Explaining death to a young child
For many adults, especially those who hang on to dear life, squeezing the most they can get out of it, death is a tragic and sad ending. The interpretation of death varies from culture to culture, religions included. It can range from being solenm and sad to being a fiesta, as we sometimes witness in our culture.
A typical person “wake” is a gathering of long lost friends and relatives, staying on till late in the evening to chat and eat. The loss of a loved one does not seem so painful because of this support system we call dam qyan. It can also become a festive atmosphere when tables are set up for “mahjong” or some other betting game. In one popular local film, a scene at the cemetery showed the members of a family grinning for a photo session, and beside them was the coffe raised so that the departed could be seen too. It is comical. But do children see death this way?
What does the child experience when he or she is carried over the casket, in the belief that the dead will not return to haunt the living? This is sometimes surprising or even frightening to the child. Do parents explain why this is done, or are they too absorbed in carrying on the traditionto even think about how the child will react? Oftentimes adults find it difficult to talk about death and what it means to them. Young children can understand difficult topics such as death especially if their homes encourage open discussions. When a parent tells the child to keep quiet and not talk about death (or about sex or pregnancy, for that matter) then the child is left in limbo, not understanding what this phase of life is all about. Then the child seeks answers from others and more likely than not, the information given is incorrect. It is better that they learn about these important issues from their parents.
Death is easier understood when a child takes care of something living, say a pet (dog, cat, bird) or a plant. Daily care, such as giving the pet food and water, and giving him a bath, is part of the responsibilities of the young child. It may happen that the pet may have an accident and dies. Seize the moment to help the child understand why and what may have caused the death. Older children who have cared for a pet will even have a burial ritual, as they have seen in movies or in real life situational.
I look forward to the publication of a set of books by an uncle- priest. It is all about understanding death, from a child’s point of view. He compares death to simple things that children can relate to, such as: a balloon drifting, a butterfly freed from its cocoon, or being carried to bed to sleep and waking to a new and beautiful place. With simple explanations, death becomes a part of our life experience.
Children ask, “Why do we have to die?” There are many reasons and children will tell you as they see it. Some of them may not understand the biological processes involved, but they will give you the most surprising answers.
Although death of a loved one is a very sad thing, it can be seen as a part of life. It might be hard to explain that in death, there is life afterward. But you can explain the good memories of the loved one and how we can continue to remember him or her that way. Recalling good times with the loved one can be a central part of the “wake”. This was done in our own family. The young ones shared their story of how the departed relative was a loving, funny, and even strict person. This evoked tears of laughter as well as sadness. Soothing music was also played throughout the day. It was a pleasant experience all together for the very young ones.
All these point to one thing, that is, a genuine love and caring for both the living and departed. If a child experiences that affection, then all kinds of explanations can be tossed aside!